star wars viewer’s guide for episode I - the phantom menace

In 2003, I wrote “Viewer’s Guides” for all the Star Wars films (well, five of them — I actually still haven’t gotten around to doing it for Episode III but will, at some point). They are basically commentaries in written form. I don’t know what compelled me to do them. But I did them. And some of the thoughts are actually funny, still. All of them were written by me, when I was 17.

Since Phantom Menace is re-entering our world today, I am posting the Episode I viewer’s guide here again. Enjoy it. Or don’t. Considering the movie needs a little bit of help in the “fun” department, I would recommend reading this as you watch it.

1. “With all due respect…” should Jedi even need to dole out respect? I have a lightsaber and the ability to control your mind — how about a little respect from everyone else board?

2. I like how the droids react to the Republic ship landing. “Wait… WHAT?”

3. Jeez, Qui-Gon is HUGE. His near-black cloak is sweet, too.

4. Ah, Obi-Wan. Who knew you would go from just a little sidekick to the person who ruins Palpatine’s diabolical plans time and time again. Don’t believe me? Let’s run down the future-list: Darth Maul (cuts him in half), Zam Wesell (cuts her arm off, allowing her to be killed), Jango Fett (technically Mace kills him but Obi-Wan sniffs out the plot), General Grievous (ignites a fire and destroys his body from the inside, which is the coolest sentence ever written), Anakin (chops off three of his limbs), helps to instruct Luke (leading to the destruction of the entire Empire)… thanks, Obi.

5. What do these Trade Federation guys think, that the Jedi are just going to kill them in cold blood? “I’m not going in there with two Jedi.” Do you know anything?

6. The way that Republic cruiser explodes really lets you know you’re watching a Star Wars movie.

7. The Neimoidians really reward their own people with jobs all over the Trade Federation ships. However, you think they’d let them speak their native tongue (which is clearly not English, as they struggle to enunciate about 89% of their words).

8. If you think about it, how long has it been since any Jedi saw any real action? It must have been a long time. You know Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan volunteered to go out on every mission, whatever it was, hoping it’d erupt into some orgy of violence and finally, it did.

9. The Trade Federation is lucky that they didn’t employ real creatures as security because, good lord, after 8 seconds of the Jedi clowning every single threat thrown at them, any sentient species would turn tail and quit their job. But not droids, droids just keep coming. Idiots.

10. Why in the WORLD did the Trade Federation spend money on anything not-called droideka’s? Sure, you can have a billion battle droids but if they’re 25% as effective as the destroyer droids, then why not commit to spending more and making sure your foot soldiers CANNOT BE STOPPED. ISN’T THAT WORTH ANYTHING?

11. Oh, Obi-Wan, you and your wit. I get it, the negotiations WERE short… because they never took place!

12. In the video message from Queen Amidala, she should’ve said “I’m going to wait this one out” and just held up a sign that said SUCK ON THE FUNK with a picture of Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan holding their lightsabers.

13. “A communications disruption can mean only one thing… invasion.” Really? A bad thunderstorm wouldn’t frazzle a transmission from a few thousand light years away? What if a bird landed on the satellite dish? Shut it, Sio Bibble. SHUT IT RIGHT NOW. (Aside: I always thought it was cool that the first time we see Palpatine, he is a hologram… and the first time we see Sidious, he is a hologram.)

14. Qui-Gon should’ve just stabbed Jar-Jar in the chest when he’s about 3 lines into his “moy moy, I love you!” speech. Damn the Jedi moral code.

15. Jar-Jar’s also a show-off — why doesn’t anyone make light of this? He does like, 39 flips into the water instead of just walking in like a man.

16. I want one of the Jedi respirator things to put in my mouth.

17. Boss Nass is actually a good man. He tells it like it is and his Gungan accent is actually kind of endearing. And he looks like a fat, green, reptilian John McCain.

18. “What is to happen to Jar-Jar Binks?” HE WILL BE HATED BY EVERYONE. “And what of my character, Qui-Gon?” No, people will be down with you.

19. When Obi-Wan asks “you were banished because you were clumsy?” he should’ve stopped the ship and just said “all right, get the hell out. I just remembered that I’ve got the Force and future space GPS that I can use to navigate”.

20. You can pretty much skip all the scenes from the droid landing in the woods until Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon drop into the Theed street and you will do nothing but save time and annoyance. If they cut it off before we meet Jar-Jar, and then cut to the Jedi on that balcony, the story does not suffer at all. 

21. The droids take over Naboo in like eight minutes. That doesn’t seem like the best planet on which to establish your blockade, as a demonstration of strength. It’s like occupying a farm house in upstate New York rather than Wall Street.

22. Panaka is a chump. “They need her to sign a treaty”. No. If they kill her, there’s nobody resisting the invasion and it’s pretty much game over.

23. How does the battle droid not recognize the name “Coruscant”? It’s the freaking capital of the universe. This is why you’re going to be replaced by clones.

24. Did Obi-Wan really need to tell the captured pilots “go!” after killing all the droid guards?

25. Hooray R2! I like that he basically had a real job before he gets caught up in the plot of the saga.

26. What does the hyperdrive leak? Gas? Air? Stars?

27. Again, Panaka: shut up. “If the Hutts discover her—“ Look, rent-a-cop, I’ve got a lightsaber. My friend Obi-Wan here has one also. Slow your roll. We’ve got it.

28. How is the Queen’s ship out of range of the droid ship? Just send a few fighters after it. That was Darth Maul’s brilliant tracking method: ”I uh… I just followed them.”

29. I don’t like the music playing when Jar-Jar talks to Padme while she cleans R2. It sounds like the music that would play if I had a TV show in the 50’s where I solved crimes with a cat.

30. Hey, twin suns! Welcome back.

31. Why did Qui-Gon bring Jar-Jar into town? R2, I can understand but, an annoying alien? Yeah, let me bring him into this rough space port where I need to be quick and covert about obtaining a rare part.

32. Wow, they really parked far away from Mos Espa. It’s like a 9-mile hike.

33. Watto is absolute aces.

34. Jake Lloyd is not. Especially when he speaks Huttese. Or when he tries to sweet-talk m’lady Portman. You can leave right now, son.

35. I’m glad when that pit droid kicks Jar-Jar in the crotch. From one annoying unnecessary attempt-at-humorous digital character to another.

36. “Credits will do fine.” NO, THEY WON’T. Good for Watto.

37. In the script, Qui-Gon’s line reads “We’re leaving. Jar-Jar.” Sadly, that doesn’t mean he’s leaving Jar-Jar; he’s announcing that he’s leaving and then calling to Jar-Jar to accompany him. Forget that. I would’ve sold him into slavery for the part I needed.

38. “Yippee!” I want to melt Jake Lloyd into soup and feed him to a lizard.

39. Sebulba is pretty hardcore for being about 11 inches tall and 3 feet long. I wish he ripped Jar-Jar’s throat out.

40. Anakin… the Huttese… please never do it again.

41. And again, we’re given a subtle hint that Jar-Jar doesn’t belong. In Anakin’s house, Qui-Gon starts speaking with Shmi, Anakin with Padme, and 3PO with R2. Hint hint, you Gungan goof.

42. You know R2 always gives 3PO grief about the fact that 3PO’s “job” before falling into the adventure was A: sitting around Anakin’s house, B: sitting around the Lars homestead (later). R2 was out there, in starfighters and spaceships, saving people every nine minutes.

43. A line that I don’t think gets enough love is Obi-Wan’s “What if it is true? And the people are dying?” Actually, his whole delivery in the scene where he tells the Queen “it’s a trick, send no reply” is wonderful. Very nice shift from “baby Obi-Wan” and “taking charge Alec Guinness”.

44. Sorry, Darth Maul but one of those Jedi will be a match for you. Your master is just building you up.

45. Padme absolutely does not care when Anakin asks if anyone has seen a podrace. She looks at him for a second and then looks away. “I wonder if there’s anyone else anywhere in this planet who can help…”

46. Anakin must have had the whole plan (of how he could participate in the race and help Qui-Gon) in his mind for a while — he blurts it out in an instant. No mulling it over, no anything. HERE’S WHAT I’M THINKING.

47. Padme’s nerps are showing. The Queen would not approve.

48. Watto’s “I hope you didn’t kill anyone I know for it” is boss.

49. I really do wonder what Qui-Gon planned to do if their plan failed. “Well, Obi-Wan… I made a mistake. So here’s what’s going to happen: you’ll come join me here and we’ll kill anyone who tries to stop us from taking that hyperdrive”. Obi-Wan would’ve been walking towards the city with his blade in hand the instant he heard “we’ll kill anyone”. 

50. Anakin is the Jesus of Star Wars. I guess that’s okay.

51. Anakin’s friends are idiots.

52. I wish Jar-Jar’s heart got caught in the energy binders so it stopped beating.

53. Padme should not have helped Jar-Jar out of the pod engine. She should’ve whistled and looked away.

54. I wonder how close Anakin got to seeing all of the planets in the galaxy. He probably got about 12 systems in and decided “forget this — the guy to whom I promised this is dead so… who cares”.

55. Notice the choral “ratamah!” in the background when Obi-Wan asks about Anakin’s midichlorian count. Yes, it could just be an overlap of Darth Maul’s arrival a few moments later but I believe it’s telling us that Anakin will eventually kill a lot of people with sinister music playing.

56. Watto is threatening Qui-Gon? “No funny business!” How about some LIGHTSABER business?

57. I’m upset that we had to endure several instances of where this film tried to institute the word “wizard” as a synonym for “cool”. Kitster, you meatball.

58. Instead of sending probe droids into town, why didn’t Darth Maul just walk to every door with his blades out and just yell until someone detailed Qui-Gon’s whereabouts?

59. The entire opening sequence for the podrace is entirely useless. We understand that this race is a big deal. We understand that there are all different kinds of aliens racing. We understand that the crowd has its favorites. We do not need seven minutes of introduction. That sort of stuff worked in Ben-Hur because that movie came out in 1959 — we need snappier editing now.

60. Thank Star Wars Jesus for the fart joke.

61. Do you think Sebulba cheated every race? Or just against Anakin?

62. Hey, a Hutt is here. Is that Jabba? Well, it takes him 403 syllables to say “Welcome. Begin the race!” Yep, it’s Jabba.

63. Seriously, from the moment the announcer says “start your engines”, it takes about 4 hours for the race to begin. Again, we understand that everybody’s engines have to start up, we don’t need to see it, nor do we need to see all the people’s anxious looks as the race gets ready to start.

64. The podrace, as a whole, is sweet. The absolute peak arrives when the blue guy gets bumped by Anakin in the cave and smashes into the rock column. The noise he makes is divine. Also: first person Darth Vader ever kills? I think so.

65. The charisma of Star Wars fans: that pale, mostly-bald lady with a red ponytail and rifle on the left side of one shot that lasts for about 20 frames during the podrace? That character has a rich backstory and fan following. I’m totally serious.

66. The Tusken Raiders are going to pay for shooting at Anakin. I just have a hunch.

67. It would’ve been cooler if, when that cable breaks free of Anakin’s pod, if he had unintentionally accessed the Force to pull it to his hand (rather than that magnet stick thing). Just a thought.

68. I like how, when Qui-Gon is talking to Watto in the little box after the race and one of Darth Maul’s probe droids floats by just after Qui-Gon turns around. JUST missed him! Or maybe not, based on what happens in a few minutes.

69. I wonder if Obi-Wan ever told Anakin that he once called him “yet another pathetic life form”. And I wonder if people other than me realize that Obi’s also calling Jar-Jar pathetic. Yessss. Kenobi is the jam.

70. Anakin is a brave kid. I wouldn’t run around the block when I was 9 and he’s leaving his mother to go to another PLANET with people he’s known for like, 2 days. Shmi is also pretty brave for letting him go. Big ups, Skywalkers.

71. Yeah, Anakin, “pack your things”. Y’know, your other rags and the soap you don’t use.

72. Anakin… another “yippee!”? We’ve been over this.

73. I could definitely see the Anakin-and-Shmi goodbye scene gaining a lot of weight and emotion if you watch it after watching Episodes II and III. Maybe.

74. I wonder who Darth Maul practiced dueling with. Because he’s good.

75. Anakin Skywalker, meet Obi-Wan Kenobi… the man who will someday ravage your limbs with white hot energy.

76. Orange is a good color on Padme.

77. I want a Japor snippet. I actually want to give one to Natalie Portman.

78. Senator Palpatine?! ISN’T THAT THE EMPEROR’S NAME?!

79. Chancellor Valorum deserved to get thrown out. He’s a jerk.

80. Why does Qui-Gon feel the need to tell Valorum that he has to meet with the Jedi Council? What would he care? It’s like a Marine telling the Speaker of the House that he needs to report to his commanding officer. Valorum should’ve just stared at Qui-Gon and said “…yeah, great. Do whatever you want.”

81. I wonder if Amidala ever just threw off all her makeup and hairpieces in the middle of a meeting, fed up with it all.

82. Mace says the Jedi will use all of their resources to unravel the mystery of the Sith. I call nonsense because after Darth Maul is killed, you guys do precisely nothing for 10 years. Sorry, everybody, we fell asleep and when we woke up, it was Episode II.

83. Why does Mace seem so stunned that the “great disturbance in the Force” is centered around a person? And why so skeptical that a boy is the Chosen One? WE THOUGHT THE CHOSEN ONE WOULD BE A DESK. MAYBE A LAMP.

84. Since the Queen always wears the makeup all over her face and the huge headdress, couldn’t any female (or man with delicate features) be a decoy?

85. I wish America’s Senate was like Coruscant’s. You’d see a lot of people interested in public service, I’m sure.

86. Do they really need a commission to investigate an invasion? Don’t they have video cameras and news channels? Why didn’t the Queen bring Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan in? They’re Jedi, they saw (and lightsabered through) it. Everybody would listen to them.

87. “Now they will elect a new Chancellor… a strong Chancellor.” I don’t like the cut of this Palpatine’s jib.

88. Obi-Wan really doesn’t like Anakin’s chances to be a Jedi. I bet he was mad when he hears Qui-Gon’s dying wish. NO, PLEASE. ANYTHING BUT THAT.

89. Not only does the Episode I Yoda puppet look terrible, his voice just sounds off. I say we re-do this whole thing.

90. I bet Amidala was mad that Jar-Jar was allowed in her apartment. Just a hunch.

91. Anakin’s dialogue on the landing pad before they go back to Naboo is lame to the max. And his “come on, R2!” is stupid. You can almost hear R2 sarcastically confirming “oh, so we’re leaving? Is that why that ship is about to take off?”

92. Ever notice Palpatine and this guy Sidious are never in the same place at the same time?

93. Duh, Qui-Gon, we know you can’t fight a war for the Queen. How about the thousands of other Jedi? Are they available?

94. The Gungan secret hiding place sure is well-concealed. It’s a bit of open space in the middle of the forest. Wow, what secrecy!

95. One of my favorite non-lines in the film is when they’re hashing out the Naboo battle plan in the woods. Padme says “Captain Panaka will create a diversion” and Panaka’s face turns to the direction of the camera/Qui-Gon with a look that says “wait, Captain Panaka is going to do WHAT?” It’s good fun. Also: he isn’t part of any diversion — he rides with Padme and they are Alpha team, going for the throne room.

96. “Wipe them out. All of them.” Yeahhhh. Except… well, not only did you guys fail overall, you failed to kill the single lamest Gungan.

97. The last part of the movie is pretty sweet. It almost requires no commentary. I wish some of Anakin’s cockpit chit-chat was erased from existence but other than that, I think we’re good.

98. Another legendary Panaka moment: when they are making their way through the palace, they decide to go out the window. Despite them all having laser guns, he feels the need to shoot the window about 18 times in a millisecond. Really, watch how many times he pulls the trigger and how much the gun recoils as he attempts to shoot out a single window — it’s remarkable.

99. Burning Qui-Gon had to smell really, really bad. But I would endure it because Qui-Gon really was sweet.

100. Anakin is too damn cute in his little Jedi outfit. I bet it helped Obi-Wan pick up ladies.

101. Isn’t it weird to think that everyone in this little parade on Naboo will pretty much be dead by the end of Episode IV? And still, Chewbacca wouldn’t get a medal.