boll! bay! it's the nfc championship on fox!
Uwe Boll has made some terrible films. Last week, someone asked him if he was aware that an online petition demanding he stop making movies — bearing the names of 18,000 devoted haters — existed. Boll said he was aware but admitted that it would take 1,000,000 signatures to convince him to abandon his current career.
As a result, the Wild West that is the Internet sprang into action, forwarding the petition link all over the place, hoping to amass a million strong. I personally didn’t sign it despite the fact that I am not a Boll fan — as long as it’s not affecting my personal ability to live, the dude can make as many shitty movies as he wants. In fact, I’m kinda secretly supportive of artists who are popularly regarded as untalented (in any regard, in any vocation) — it’s inspiring and serves as further reminder of just how good the TALENTED people really are.
Anyway, today, Boll badmouthed the petition’s sudden spike in exposure and went on to lambaste Eli Roth, George Clooney, and Michael Bay in the process of defending his own work. I would say I’m surprised but this is the guy who, in response to consistent negative reviews, challenged movie critics to a kickboxing match.
First of all, in any creative (see also: subjective) field, if people don’t like you, the absolute last thing you should do is whine and say “why doesn’t anybody like me?! You guys like Guy A and Guy B and I think they’re terrible!”. At that point, you don’t only look like a baby but a very bitter and sad baby — not a good combination… especially if your reputation is already tattered. For someone who claims that they don’t care about the fact that they’re roundly disliked, he sure seems like he really does care, all of a sudden.
Moving on. I’m not much of an Eli Roth fan so I don’t really care that Boll tagged him. Although, when I read that Roth did respond (with his tongue, I assume, planted firmly in cheek) by saying Boll’s comments were “the greatest compliment ever”, I can’t deny that I laughed. Plus the Thanksgiving trailer was funny. Upon further review, Eli’s ok.
Secondly, it’s not even necessary to respond to the Clooney barb. It’s George fucking Clooney. I don’t know if anyone can take a shot at him and be taken seriously. Maybe Jesus could jab him in the ribs. MAYBE.
Finally, I have to say: Boll’s comments effectively warmed me up to the continued existence of Michael Bay.
(P.S., Bay said, of Boll’s comments: “That comes from someone screaming because he is not being heard. He is obviously a sad being. When you ask ‘do I care?’ Not in the slightest.”)
Bay’s Verizon commercial actually really made me laugh because he’s very obviously willing to make fun of himself, which is all I can ask of someone who is so relentlessly mocked. Plus, if I’m being honest, The Rock and Bad Boys are both terrifically entertaining; the same can be said for Pearl Harbor, Bad Boys II, and Armageddon… but the latter three are for entirely different reasons (although Affleck is the bomb, and Hot Fuzz did for Bad Boys II what Mythbusters did for MacGyver).
Anyway, the wherewithal to mock oneself and the claim that he’s made two movies worth watching is something Uwe Boll cannot claim, currently. And, really, all of Bay’s movies LOOK pretty terrific. He has a visual style that — good, bad, or indifferent — immediately tells you that you’re watching a Michael Bay movie.
All right, so, one of the many debates I’ve read in the wake of this “Clash of the Unpopular Egotistical Directors” is that Boll at least makes his bad movies for cheaper than Bay makes his bad movies. It’s technically true since the budget figures are straightforward and empirical but I think there is something more important that merits mention, in comparing the two.
Boll acquires funding for his films (at least, for a majority of his films) via a German tax loophole that, if I’m being succinct, is basically a weird version of the MacGuffin behind The Producers. German investors can fund motion pictures and as long as the movie doesn’t pull in box office numbers greater than the film’s budget (which no Boll film has, as of yet) those German investors are able to credit that investment as a tax write-off. Essentially, Uwe Boll is making little charities. While this feat may deserve some credit for being resourceful, it basically means that nobody would willingly give Boll money, in the traditional “investment/return” formula.
Michael Bay shot videos for Playboy and Meatloaf but then convinced Jerry Bruckheimer (among others) that he could make a $20 million movie that would yield tremendous returns. They believed him and he made Bad Boys. He then was trusted enough to helm a $75 million movie. He made The Rock. See what I’m saying? He may not make movies that people look to as great artistic achievements (however you want to define that term), but he makes movies that (clearly) a lot of people want to see and that a lot of people like.
While I am, by no means, a Michael Bay fan, it’s a lot harder to:
- convince studios to give you tens of millions (later, hundreds of millions)
- consistently validate the studios’ investment time and time again
- resist bending to the demands of those who level relentless personal and professional criticisms against you
Than it is to:
- tell some companies “look, you literally cannot lose money on this investment”
- physically beat up critics who don’t like you
