esteban was eaten!

0WN3d, oil companies. completely 0WN3d.

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 22:09:00 -0400

0WN3d, oil companies. completely 0WN3d.: The Danish isle of Samsø has, over the past 10 years, gone from exclusively using fossil fuel energy sources to living exclusively off renewable energy via a combination of onshore and offshore turbines, private mini-turbines, solar panels, straw-burning furnaces, and biofuels.

I saw this movie in theaters. It sucked.But Vince Vaughn kept...

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 20:37:22 -0400

I saw this movie in theaters. It sucked.

But Vince Vaughn kept me from wanting to punch something. And this 1-minute stretch where he has a conversation by himself whilst dancing in a street, dropping catchphrases left and right? The clearest diamond in the sand dune of crap that was BE COOL.

(I know I linked to it in the Bease piece but it deserves its own space.)

c'mon, twinkle twinkle baby. twinkle twinkle!

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 01:13:00 -0400

This is sure to be my first of many posts (good, bad, or indifferent) regarding one recently drafted #2 overall Miami Heat building block Michael Beasley. So it’s time to lay some groundrules.

I feel so much better about his chances to succeed if we start calling him Mike Beasley right now. RIGHT. NOW. We can even yell “M-BEEEEEEEEEEEEEASLEEEEEEEY” and dance when he does something positive. We have the precedent. I’m clownin’, baby. You know I’m clownin’. Turn around ‘cause you know I’m clownin’. [Note: We are not calling him “MB”. MB is megabyte. Write your own joke about someone who MEGA-BITES. I’ll roll with “The Bease” or “Beast” or something. But not “MB”.}
Mike doesn’t really wear headbands regularly anymore but even if he decided to resurrect it, I hope Riles doesn’t wane on his no-headband rule. I am not scared of people in headbands.
I really want ESPN to change The Bease’s profile picture. Beyond the haphazard placement of the aforementioned un-terrifying headband, it’s just so uninspiring. I’m sure the Heat will, once they get to camp and in uniform and whatnot but still. At least look focused and stoic or maybe brandish that weird possessed look of “I cannot be disturbed or distracted by anyone or anything”… the thing we got going there, now, is just “apathy” mixed with that look I get when my neighbor cuts his lawn at 5 AM on the 4th of July.
If a chest bruise suffered during a summer league practice is enough to sideline him… I’m just going to say it: the Mike Beasely Enthusiasm Train is not exactly flying out of the station.
Some good things I’ve discovered about him (after an exhaustive search once the pick was made to try to sell myself on him):

- He does seem to want to be a great player. That’s actually rare.
- He is an East Coast guy (D.C. area) which I think is always good.
- He has a tattoo on his back, above two wings, that says “God’s Son”. ……….I’m a big fan.
- He and I nearly have the same birthday (he’s actually 3 years younger than me, which is just downright preposterous — I mean I knew he was 19 but to see “January 9, 1989” on his bio is confounding).
- At the press conference after he was chosen, he ended his statements with “Let’s win us another championship.” Poor, confusingly redundant grammar aside (“let us win us another championship”?), that was a nice capper.

Stop hatin’.

Start participatin’.

thank you, brazil.

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 23:16:00 -0400

I felt those who sent me graduation gifts deserved something super special. I hate doing handwritten notes because my hand checks out after number 2 and I am no longer grateful when I’m done (plus they all end up looking exactly alike since I write the same size at all times and rarely change the wordage…*sigh*). I hate doing “type-them-up, print nine copies, sign your name” notes because that feels even less meaningful.

So, here we go.

Hum bum ba doo whop.

All made with scissors, magazines (Wired, GQ, Details, and Paste), Wite-out, gluesticks, and Sharpie — despite their impressive appearance here, they are each about 6”x8”. The reason almost all the “Gift” words are the same is because it’s a surprisingly difficult word to find in magazines (at least in the dozen or so I hacked up) and so the only place I could find it is this weird thicker-paper-than-normal (more like cardstock) advertisement for some tobacco company that was double sided and mentioned a “free gift” on each side. So, I really only needed to find four of those ads (and it was in EVERY freaking magazine, so that wasn’t a problem) and then one more.

*exhale*

Anyway, everyone I’ve shown these to has brought up the “ransom note” style (I’ve even gone as far to describe them that way, in an effort to be succinct) but that’s just unfair. It bothers me. I feel like they should be more likened to some sort of recycled, 1st grade, spelling puzzle. Kidnappers/blackmailers do not get to claim this awesome thing. I am not demanding money or threatening bodily harm! I’m just being thankful!

It is DONE.

we will not go quietly into the night! we will not vanish! without a fight! we're going to live on! we're going to survive!

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 18:13:00 -0400

[Tomorrow]! We celebrate! Our Independence Day!

How awesome is it that the Founding Fathers picked the middle of the summer for our nation’s birthday? It’s the tent pole that makes this time of year perfect. Good work, men. (Y’know, in addition to all the sacrifices made.)

With everything our species has accomplished… how is it that we’ve yet to create a multivitamin that doesn’t taste like a combination of trashcan, mothball, and farts?

Anywho, I love over-thinking stuff like this:

The USA basketball team photo. Left to right: Dwight Howard, Chris Bosh, Tayshaun Prince, Carlos Boozer, Lebron James, Carmelo Anthony, Kobe Bryant, Michael Redd, Jason Kidd, Dwyane Wade, Deron Williams, and Chris Paul.

They’re sponsored by Nike (hence the swoosh on all shorts). However, one player on the team is not sponsored by Nike or a Nike-owned brand… #11, Dwight Howard, on the far left (sponsored by Adidas).

Fair enough. However, we could have been a little less obvious about the choices made. CONSPIRACY MUCH?

Howard is listed as taller than Chris Bosh (the guy to his right) but clearly with Bosh’s hair, Bosh is taller. So, from a photographic standpoint, Bosh should be on the end (tallest-to-shortest). Why was Howard still standing at the end? [Note: Flash should be in front of J-Kidd, too. Who’s making these decisions? Also, J-Kidd probably shouldn’t be on the team.]
Howard’s the only guy with his hand hanging down, conveniently covering the Nike logo on his shorts (a logo that he does not specifically endorse).
Coach K is sitting. That’s normal in team photographs. But his left foot is turned at an odd angle to obscure the adidas logo on Howard’s shoe (the only shoe that is not Nike or a Nike-owned brand (CP3 and Melo are Jordan brand, Flash is a Converse man).
Why would Nike take a picture of the team for a press release that is meant to exhibit the new uniforms… only to turn everyone sideways, obscuring 80% of the uniform they’re trying to show off? Could it be because the swoosh on the front of the jersey (top left) is difficult to see/would not stand out in a front-facing photo and a sideways photo would show us basically FACE + ARM + SWOOSH + NIKE SHOE?

I rest my case.

(Tangent: I am so excited for the Olympics and to root for this team. The Beijing time difference will only be 12 hours ahead of the East Coast so the games will be on in the morning. Now I have a reason to get up! Perfect!)

I also am super excited for Shark Week.

And new Mythbusters.

And Hellboy II.

And Dark Knight.

And Tropic Thunder.

And… Clone Wars.

And football.

And then basketball begins anew.

Maybe I’ll grow up somewhere in that time span. Survey says: Unlikely.

My favorite DARK KNIGHT poster. Maybe my favorite poster of the...

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 17:20:13 -0400

My favorite DARK KNIGHT poster. Maybe my favorite poster of the last decade.

I went out of my way to put this clip online because it is...

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 01:23:41 -0400

I went out of my way to put this clip online because it is inexplicably nowhere to be found anywhere on this here Internet.

this is getting really old really fast.

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 00:01:21 -0400

this is getting really old really fast.

"I take my finger, turn it into a pen. Then I run my hand down her spine. You guess I wrote something..."

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 23:28:00 -0400

“I take my finger, turn it into a pen. Then I run my hand down her spine. You guess I wrote something profound; something like ‘I love the life that we’ve got’. I say ‘you’re good at this game’ but what I really wrote was ‘How I’ve yet to be saved’.”

- The Format, from “Dead End”. There’s no underlying reason as to why I put this one up other than the fact that I just love the pants off of The Format. I suppose I loved them too much, as they parted ways earlier this year. Whatevz.

"So many hours spent in that building and all the memories divine. Just a few more seasons, then..."

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 01:54:00 -0400

“So many hours spent in that building and all the memories divine. Just a few more seasons, then we’ll be back, ready to attack — ready to take on the top again. So what if we’re last? So what if we’re last, today? We can’t stay last forever.”

- Millencolin, from “Entrance at Rudebrook”. Strangely prophetic lyrics on the eve of not only my favorite day of the year (the NBA Draft) but also arguably the most potentially important day of off-court Miami Heat history up to this point.

i think i am therefore i am... i think.

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 20:35:15 -0400

I’m not creative, well-read, or eloquent enough to write about the death of someone I didn’t know personally. But I would be remiss if I didn’t at least acknowledge the passing of the great George Carlin. The thing I’ll remember most about him, aside from his indescribable impact on the world of stand-up comedy, was something I wondered over a year ago. Why didn’t he act more? He was so good in JERSEY GIRL (not to mention DOGMA or BILL AND TED) and I always secretly hoped he’d end up in more movies because it was such a tremendous joy to see him transition from the stage to the screen as well as any comic, ever.

I was way behind on him since I was born almost five years after his most famous routine (that included the “Seven Words You Can’t Say on Television” bit) took over the world and wasn’t first exposed to it/able to appreciate it for another thirteen years. But from then on, I really started to like the idea of someone older than my dad talking “to me” with no hang-ups about vulgarity or honesty — as if I was his friend. The best way to describe him is, I think, to say that George is right up there with Phil Jackson and Harrison Ford as the three most ideal fantasy celebrity grandfathers one could hope for.

Anyway, in a bizarre coincidence, on my way back from Charleston on Friday, I heard Carlin’s “sanctity of life” rant on XM. I’ve always loved it but the uniqueness of hearing it mere days before his death escalated its significance to strangely wonderful levels.

Don’t be giving me all this shit about the sanctity of life. I mean, even if there were such a thing, I don’t think it’s something you can blame on God. No, you know where the sanctity of life came from? We made it up! You know why? Cause we’re alive! Self-interest. Living people have a strong interest in promoting the idea that somehow life is sacred. You don’t see Abbott and Costello running around, talking about this shit, do you? We’re not hearing a whole lot from Mussolini on the subject. What’s the latest from JFK? Not a god damned thing, cause JFK, Mussolini, and Abbott and Costello are fucking dead. They’re fucking dead, and dead people give less than a shit about the sanctity of life. Only living people care about it, so the whole thing grows out of a completely biased point of view. It’s a self-serving, man-made bullshit story. It’s one of these things we tell ourselves so we’ll feel noble. Life is sacred, makes you feel noble.

Well let me ask you this, if everything that ever lived is dead, and everything alive is going to die, where does the sacred part come in? I’m having trouble with that. Because even with the stuff we preach about the sanctity of life, we don’t practice it.

Rest in peace, sir. The world just got a whole lot more serious (and that is not a very good thing).

Footnote: I always wondered how many blank black t-shirts he went through, in his career. I’ll set the over/under at 5213.

When they part ways at the end of the first movie, Marty tells...

Sun, 22 Jun 2008 18:01:00 -0400

When they part ways at the end of the first movie, Marty tells 1955 George and Lorraine his real name before leaving. Both George and Lorraine are especially taken by this name and we’re supposed to infer that this name (which belonged to a person who was so important in their lives) would explain how they eventually named their son Marty (although I do wonder how they came up with “Marty” in the first place, before the whole wacky going back in time thing).

However, if that’s the case and the reason they liked the name Marty so much was because of that guy they met in 1955 who hooked them up, why would they wait until their third kid (and second son) to finally use the name Marty? Why wasn’t Dave named Marty?

pixarguments.

Sun, 22 Jun 2008 01:47:00 -0400

Yeah, so, I watched every Pixar movie in the last two days. Here’s what I’m thinking:

MONSTERS, INC.: Why do some monsters wear clothes and some do not? I know this occurs in pretty much every cartoon but I expected better from Pixar. This movie rocks, by the way. Most overlooked Pixar movie evz.

A BUG’S LIFE: Why didn’t the ants just have the black widow spider sting and/or ensnare the grasshoppers with her webs, when they arrived? At least take out Hopper! The rest of that gang was clearly just following orders. Take out Hopper and the jig is up. You’re a black widow for Christ’s sake! And you clearly spin webs in the film! Don’t overthink it, ant colony. This movie is also severely overlooked — it is really wonderful; it’s like THREE AMIGOS meets SEVEN SAMURAI but with insects. Righteous.

THE INCREDIBLES: Why did Syndrome feel the need to arrange the Omnidroid attack on the city? If his ultimate goal was to locate/kill every super, “have his fun” playing a hero until he was old, and then sell his inventions… why not just kill every super, fight regular criminals (rather than super robots that you built that can think for themselves) and THEN sell your inventions? I mean, in theory, I get it but why even run the risk? Getting pounded by Mr. Incredible would be one thing but being defeated by your own handiwork is another story completely. Not to mention: why do you even feel the need to take your inventions worldwide? Isn’t having your own tropical volcano island and super awesome jet and phenomenally advanced technology and a hot assistant and your own army of security dudes indication enough that you’re special and having fun already?

TOY STORY: Would this movie have been any different (better/worse) if they had casted any of the other choices for Buzz and Woody? Apparently the #1 choices were Jim Carrey for Buzz and Paul Newman for Woody. Later, they reportedly considered Bill Murray, Chevy Chase, and Billy Crystal for Buzz. I can’t imagine it any other way but a Bill Murray/Paul Newman combination would’ve been fascinating. Also what happened to Andy’s dad? Prison? Dead?

FINDING NEMO: Did you know researchers claim this movie as being one of the most accurate film/television portrayals of a character with amnesia? All it took was some fish and Ellen Degeneres. P.S., “nemo” means “nobody” in Greek. So you just spent 2 hours searching for nobody. Ha! Take that Albert Brooks!

RATATOUILLE: I like the movie but upon subsequent viewings, is it just me or is the fact that the story is literally about people eating food prepared by a sewer rat still a huge hurdle?

CARS: Why wasn’t this movie better? Maybe it was the stunt casting (seriously, Larry the Cable Guy?) or the relatively lame story. But I think the idea of automobiles being living things (the ONLY living things in their world, it should be noted) is harder to jive with, compared to toys coming to life or animals being able to speak. Like, why would a car’s windshield have eyes? Who’s making these cars? Are other cars making cars (like, in a factory or in the bedroom)? Who made the first car? Are they made by humans? It’s weird. It’d be like making a movie about furniture that was alive — in the parlance of a movie where there are humans, I can get the idea of cars (or furniture, as in the case of my just-spontaneously-created-script concept) coming to life or having personalities — like in BEAUTY AND THE BEAST or WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT or whatever. I don’t get it. And I don’t like it all that much. Plus I never was crazy about the title, as stupid as that sounds. The other Pixar titles are no less obvious but I don’t know… I feel like if CARS had been named something less vague, I would’ve warmed up to it more.

TOY STORY 2: Is this the greatest unplanned sequel ever? I think it gets serious consideration. And by “unplanned”, I mean that the filmmakers didn’t expect/plan on doing a sequel while they were working on the first one… not that the sequel was made completely on the fly (although that would be an interesting idea, if someone did make a sequel to a successful movie in a completely improvisational fashion). My biggest diegetic gripe with the film relates to this: realistically, how much money could Al be in line to make, by selling the complete Woody’s Roundup set? The most expensive toy in our world, for comparison, was the original 1963 GI Joe, which sold for $200,000 in auction (Al comments to an airport employee “the contents of that package are worth more than you make in a year”). So let’s assume that he’s selling the entire Roundup gang for $50,000. Fine. But previously, Al balks when he is told how much it will cost to overnight six packages to Japan (roughly the size of a microwave each, somewhere in the 10-20 lb. range per box) which — according to FedEx — would be somewhere in the $600 range, total. You would only be upset with spending that much if it hurt your bottom line but it can’t possibly be the case, here, because even if Al is making my conservative estimate of $50,000 in the deal and we round up the shipping cost to the unlikely $1000, that’s 2% of his total profit! Truthfully, we have no idea how much Al spent in finding and buying Jesse, Old Prospector and Bullseye years ago but we can reasonably assume it probably wasn’t much: only Prospector was mint in his box, Jesse’s flashback shows her being dropped off at a charitable donation station (which suggests Al found her at a thrift store or something), and that Al knew the phone number of “the Toy Fixer” guy by heart (indicating that he probably had gotten at least one of Jesse and Bullseye fixed, meaning he probably bought them damaged and for relatively cheap) and we know definitively that he got Woody for free (he stole him) and that Woody represented “the crown jewel” of the group. Additionally, Al booked a plane ticket to Japan on very short notice (we must figure $2500-$3000). So! Let’s assume he’s put around $5000 into procuring and shipping the figures, plus his plane ticket cost. Now, if you remember the movie, you’ll remember that Al owns Al’s Toy Barn which is a Toys ‘R Us-sized store that advertises frequently on local television and has a huge bit of real estate downtown (he also has an office on the top floor of a 20+ floor skyscraper in the same district which means he’s loaded). The guy clearly has money to throw around and he’s clearly making money with this deal (let’s go with the $50,000 estimate). The question is: why would he be upset with the approximate $600 shipping costs? Only drawback to Toy Story 2: the RC car didn’t factor into it. I loved that car.

Five days ‘til WALL-E midnight showing! (Yeah, that’s right, I said it.)

Also: every 2-disc DVD edition of every Pixar movie is available for $13.99 at Target. At least, they were when I was there on Saturday. Stock up, assholes.

sarah conner failed. we're all fucked. the idea of "ironically naming something negatively in hopes that it turns out positively" clearly was not present in britain.... which is what worries me.

Sun, 22 Jun 2008 00:19:14 -0400

sarah conner failed. we're all fucked. the idea of "ironically naming something negatively in hopes that it turns out positively" clearly was not present in britain.... which is what worries me.

i told you i'd eat you.

Sat, 21 Jun 2008 01:36:12 -0400

i told you i'd eat you.

baby loves banjo.

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 02:15:00 -0400

I am the Transporter. I drove 4 hours roundtrip to bring Savannah from the airport to our beach house. I drove 4 hours roundtrip to bring Savannah back to the airport from our beach house. I drove 14 hours roundtrip to bring Molly back home from college. I drove 14 hours to take Molly back to college from home. The biggest difference between me and Jason Statham, however, is that I generally get into a lot more car/gun/martial arts action. If those movies are short on one thing, it’s violent jeopardy. I’m tired of 2 hours of him driving around checking to make sure that he’s got enough gas for the tunnel.

I am Cain from Kung Fu. From June 12 until June 20, here was my itinerary:

Chesapeake
Fairfax
Annapolis
Fairfax
Chesapeake
Corolla
Chesapeake
Newport News
Corolla
Newport News
Chesapeake
Charleston
Chesapeake
Charleston
Chesapeake

I am unemployed. There’s no elaboration, here, I quite simply don’t have a fucking job — although taking my sisters across state lines more than once each does seem to qualify as something relating to “truck driver”… say ”amateur live human cargo courier”?

Holy LIVING FUCK.

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 23:37:15 -0400

Holy LIVING FUCK.

i'm going to do a sweet one. i don't know what it will consist of, however... just that it will be sweet.

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 23:28:25 -0400

i'm going to do a sweet one. i don't know what it will consist of, however... just that it will be sweet.

I just thought this was (appropriately) awesome.

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 18:47:05 -0400

I just thought this was (appropriately) awesome.

Some dreams fade over time… but not this one. Seeing Kevin...

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 05:02:00 -0400

Some dreams fade over time… but not this one. Seeing Kevin Garnett driven to tears last night affected me almost as much as Mufasa dying.

Although the death of the King was not followed up by him saying “Michelle, you look good tonight, girl”… so… that’s unique.